This past week has been really depressing for myself. It's all about the direction my life is headed right now. I was pretty heartset on receiving a PhD in Microbiology but since that aspiration was so unfairly taken away from me, I'm left sitting here picking up the pieces of this shattered dream.

It was an abrupt end to my career of choice. I remember when it happened. It was September 7 during the Upstate Biomedical Sciences retreat. We were finishing up lunch when the Dean of the Graduate School singled me out and wanted to talk in private. It's never a good thing when the Dean wants a word with you especially if you don't remember doing anything commendable recently. It usually means trouble. Anyway, the bottom line was that I can't stay in my lab due to politics, funding and whatnot. I spent the next couple of weeks roaming the halls of the Microbiology department inquiring whether or not any lab is able to take an extra student. Unfortunately, mostly due to funding, they have no room for another student. It took two and a half weeks before I finally caved and switched departments from Microbiology to Biochemistry and I've been here ever since.

At first I felt bitter towards it all. I didn't like having to move. Who would? Then after about a week I felt the fight in me telling me to work hard at this and get done with it as soon as possible. And now I'm just feeling really depressed about all this. The worst has passed and now I'm trying to get my shit back together but the biggest thing that got me was thinking about the things I've sacrificed to get here.

I remember what I did and had to do to make it out here to graduate school. I left my family behind. I left all the friends I've ever known. They're all 3000 miles away. I worked hard to get here, for the majority of my undergraduate tenure, I was out of the house 12-13 hours a day during the week. After classes, I'd run to the Lab and put in at least eight hours of work. After working like that, I also somehow found the time to study which took even more hours out of my day. I tried to be a good boyfriend, but my other time commitments made it rather hard and I ultimately failed at it. Lastly, I even spent a good $4000 to make the move from Seattle to Syracuse. It severely crippled me financially.

I thought about everything I sacrificed in order to come out here to only be denied from the department I wanted a PhD from. It was a long time I've felt something like this and it was the strongest I've ever felt this. I couldn't believe I actually regret coming out here. I crashed hard and didn't talk to anybody this week. I really needed to straighten this out, so I can live with myself again.

The timing of it all was also overwhelming. I still haven't recovered from the death of my brother before that meeting on September 7. I wasn't sure how much more bad news I can take.


However, there is some hope left. If I can stay current in the field of Microbiology, I can do a post-doc in that discipline once I graduate. But it won't be easy. It's just more hard work I can look forward to.


For now, I don't think I have much of a choice but to stick to this program. However, maybe happiness lies elsewhere. Elsewhere as in a new school.


music: Gary Jules - Mad World
And I find it kind of funny.
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had...

Hey dude, you know if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just give me a call anytime. I know I haven't kept in touch lately, but I'm still here for you. Things aren't so great over here as well, I've been rejected from every company I've interviewed with. And I'm feeling a lil worthless right now. But all we can do is keep our heads up and move forward. I'm with you each step of the way... don't hesitate to call if you need someone to talk to. Take care.
-Brian - 061031 - 1547EST



Richard, that's terrible!!! Oh my God!!! I didn't even know that things like that could happen to people! How utterly unfair... Is transferring a possibility? You moved all the way out there to get a Ph.D. in a certain field - you shouldn't be forced to be in a totally different program!

Wow... If you ever want to talk, I'm generally wasting time on the Internet. I'm so sorry. I hope things get better.
-Kristi - 061106 - 2258EST
http://www.mykristi.com
kgovella@gmail.com

So it's been a while. The heat wave mentioned in the last post is nothing but a distant memory. The leaves have turned and are falling off the trees. The first cold snap of the season arrived last week, rather unexpectedly, bringing hail, snow flurries and near freezing temperatures. The sun now sets twenty minutes after six o' clock. New graduate students are roaming the halls and settling into the next five to seven years of their lives. Yeah, a lot has happened in the last couple of months.

These last two and a half months for myself can be summarized into a single word: overwhelming.

Of course, I could've kept writing the whole time but it would end up being pages and pages of incessant bitching. And besides, I don't really want a detailed record of most of this crap for myself.

What have I been up to? I moved apartments. I went camping for a weekend. My family visited for a week. Classes started. I went to the University's retreat in Skaneatles. I was an Orientation Advisor to the incoming students. I was a tutor in Biochemistry. I've hosted a BBQ and a party. I've attended about six parties hosted by others. I've rocked out via. karaoke in front of mostly strangers twice. Heather visited from Cornell University this past weekend.

That's about the happy, expected stuff.

The two biggest downers have been the recent passing of my half-brother and me getting kicked out of my department.

My half-brother, Red, passed away on the 5^th of August. There's not much to say that hasn't already been said. I also don't feel it's necessary to elaborate further. He was a private person so it feels appropriate that the bulk of the situation should be kept in the family.

And yeah, I got kicked out of my department. I'm no longer studying for a PhD in Microbiology & Immunology. Rather, I'm on track to receiving a doctorate in Biochemistry. It's not by choice, though. There were a couple of issues between the Department of Surgery, where my old lab is, and the College of Graduate Studies. Basically, I got caught in the middle of a storm of politics with money at its roots. When is it not? So I pretty much got kicked out of Microbiology & Immunology and ended up in Biochemistry. Of course, biochemistry is not my first choice. I don't think it's as interesting as Immunology. However, there's no money in Immunology right now and I have to go where the green is.

So here I am, in Dr. Amberg's lab doing yeast genetics. It's not something I can't do. Actually, this is pretty much what I've done my first year of undergraduate research at the old lab. Only this time I know what I'm doing, heh. The problem is that it all feels like I've done this before and it doesn't feel fresh. Compared to Immunology, I haven't done those lab techniques before and it felt like I was learning at both the material level and the technique level.

Oh well. I can't really complain. Also, in a way, I was kinda glad that it was me that got screwed. That's if somebody had to get screwed. I could easily make the transition into Biochemistry, compared to most of my friends here. Hell, I cloned something in a week. It's only because I've done this before.

So I've been putting in some long hours and coming home fairly late. Compared to Immunology, Biochemistry is composed of a lot more busy work. Researchers manipulating living systems at the molecular level rather than observing "natural" processes. Yeah, most of these observations happen ex vivo or in vitro, so watch out for that.

So that's it for now. I should stop neglecting this thing. Baby steps, I guess.